Just another young mom trying to survive with BPD…and all with a smile on my face

Social confusion?!

I can’t stand the idea of abandonment or rejection. Loneliness eats at me like a rodent devouring  garbage.‎ However I some how still find myself avoiding long durations of companionship. My feelings towards the presences of others is inconsistent and completely unpredictable. 

There are days where I can be in someone’s company for hours, and be at ease. Then there are other moments where I can’t stand to be around others. The thought itself brings bouts of anxiety and a combination of negative emotions.

This makes absolutely no sense! I get along with many different types of people, yet some days I can’t stand anyone’s presence?!

It’s becoming a cause for concern and irritation due to the pregnancy. We live in a full house and with that comes a lot of “baby” attention. I feel as though I’m being rude by soaking in my own presence and thoughts when others are around. My partner is noticing the distance I put between myself and others. I’m putting out the sense that I am unhappy with our living situation which is false. I’m not sure how to be more social constantly…


30 Day Challenge

God’s Gifts in life

For all those out there suffering from a mental illness, you have probably also experienced the need for unconditional love. A love that doesn’t flinch at your faults, our doubt its place in your life when you lose track of your own place. God has blessed me with such a love through my partner.

I have been down and out lately and in need of that “i feel special”moment. Yesterday I received just that. When we went to the doctors to find out the baby’s gender, only daddy-to-be was informed on the outcome. He wanted to do something special for the gender reveal and I must say, he did just that. He placed several balloons in a giant decorated box. When I opened it up, BLUE balloons came floating out. I was then showered with baby boy gifts and we went for a lovely dinner. I know this time is all about baby and so was yesterday but making it so special and such a admirable surprise for ME really meant alot to me. Made me realize how blessed i am to have him in my life.

With the lack of support and care from my own family, having his treasure me so much really makes a difference in my life. I guess this post is just a way for me to share how grateful i am and remind others that if you look you will find that God has blessed you too.

On another note: finding out that it is a little boy puts my mind at ease for some strange reason. I never put much thought into whether i wanted a boy or girl, just knew i wanted a baby. I would’ve been happy either way. After the realization that it is a little boy kicked in, i started to think about it for the first time. Having a son as my first child could possibly end up being a lot easier for me to cope with. I am 100% confident that God will always provide for my child, and always help me to be who i need to be for my child. I have no more fears about motherhood. All i feel now is pure excitement and ecstasy. Just +/-138 days till i meet my little boy. I can’t wait!!!



When Everyone Knows Your Sin

I love this post. Very inspirational.

A Southern Gypsy

I have questioned whether or not to share this post, but as I near the end of my pregnancy I have been reflecting on the journey these past months have been. And I want any other young woman/girl going through something similar to know they are not alone!

In December, Caleb & I found out that I was pregnant. Young. Unmarried. In love. But I’m not writing this to talk about our story. I want to share with you the struggles of my heart in the beginning of my pregnancy.

Many years ago God placed on my heart the desire to be a mother & a wife. In doing so I truly believe he was conditioning my heart for the story he had already written for me. I am grateful for that.

After finding out I was pregnant, Caleb & I decided to get married. And I want to say…

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…but then there is nature

The world can be such a cruel and harsh place, but then there is nature. One of the benefits of living in South Africa is our beautiful flora. Everywhere you look there is aesthetically stimulating scenery, even in my small town.

When I lose myself to my darker dismal side as I have the past few days, nature is where I find myself again. It somehow magically brings about a sense of tranquility and comfort for me.

The trees gently dancing in the wind, giving me a sense of hope. Reminding me that just as the seasons change, so does life. What is desolate today like a shrub in the winter can miraculously start blooming beautiful flowers tomorrow. So though things seem gloomy now, they will get brighter.

Oh and that warm breeze pressing against my skin, giving me that hug I so desperately needed. Nothing quite as comforting. Even when it’s not there and the rain is instead. The smell of the freshness and wet grass brings a feeling of renewal. As if all fears, troubles and mistakes can be simply washed away.

I often go sit by a stream nearby and listen to the water flow over the rocks as I admire its grace and energy. It never stops moving, even when there is a rock in its way, it builds up over time and overcomes it. It’s truly inspirational. I try to almost absorb its perseverance. It’s not always easy to keep going and overcome obstacles especially with a mental illness, but if even water doesn’t give up neither should I. Just as the rocks become a simply contour of the stream, I hope to someday have my current life obstacles just be something that changed my direction a little once but never stopped me.

Life can be so lonely at times, even when you are surrounded by people. It’s just one of those phenomenal tricks of the mind. Out in nature though, there is always a sense of companionship. From the larger more dominant wildlife down to the tiny creatures, they all play a role. It’s nice to have companionship that reminds you that no matter who you are, you are important in some way. Everything plays a role as do all of us… even someone as broken as me.

Today this is where I’ll find some happiness. It almost always works…

Should ALL emotions be ignored

One of the main things about being mentally ill is the depression that comes with it. If things get you down, you suppose to work through it but when you are mentally ill it’s considered “all in your head” or “not that bad”.

I am aware that sometimes little things can cause big heartache for me that maybe wouldn’t for others. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel it, and I don’t think that means I should ignore it either.

I have my methods of working through things. A way to distinguish between what’s real and not: What heartache is caused from my fears, illusions, and dark passenger in my head and what heartache is real caused from true hurt. Hurt that even others would feel.

My methods work most of the time, but today I’m struggling to examine the extent of my heartache. Iv established that it’s a hurt anyone would feel but I’m not sure if “normal” people would feel it as deeply… so you tell me…

SITUATION: my husband seems to have a comment lately for every pretty girl he sees and isn’t afraid with sharing openly “what he would like to do with them”.

MY UNDERSTANDING: all men and women ‘look’. Honesty is good in a relationship. Thinking of other women sexually is not something a committed man does. Personal insecurities can cause one to feel ‘threatened’ with very little reason.

SYMPTOMS OF BPD THAT CONTRIBUTE TO FEELINGS TOWARDS SITUATION: people with bpd have a low self-esteem, fears of abandonment, struggle with trust and depression.

MY EXPERIENCES WITH SIMILAR SITUATION: I have been used a lot by men. I have been lied to and cheated on repeatedly. I have seen how these “thoughts” can become actions in committed people. I have had problems with small lies about other woman before in my current relationship.

HOW I AM FEELING: Extremely troubled,depressed, angry, and worthless . I’m deeply concerned that this is the start of him drifting from me and seeking attention of other women. I don’t feel very respected by him and it feels as if he wants to make me feel ‘not good enough’ because of the way he does it. It’s bringing in doubts into my mind and mistrust. I know it shouldn’t but it’s things like this that feeds my dark passenger giving it leverage when it takes over. I don’t like the feeling of being just a girl in the relationship. I want to feel special, like I’m the only woman he wants and sees that way. It really hurts me that he has so little sense of sympathy.

WHAT TO DO: openly discussing with my partner how I’m feeling would be ideal. Explaining how I’m feeling and why. Requesting a solution and more sympathy. Except that’s not possible with my partner. He feels any insecurity or hurt I feel is “all in my head” and he won’t change anything, I must just “get over it”. Leaving me with the only option of dealing with it alone on the inside and pretending everything is okay…

So I ask you is it not as bad as it feels to me and I should just “get over it” or do I have the right to fight for a change. I’m okay with him saying every now and then that a girl here or there is pretty, but not too this extreme. Is that wrong??

*wishing I only felt things the way normal people do*

Meds or no meds….

After doing a lot of research I have established that it is best for my baby if I stop my medication for the rest of my pregnancy… only problem is that it’s not best for my relationships.

I want to go off my meds, but then I risk having “episodes” that could harm my relationship with not only my husband but my in laws too. After all how can someone love the real me… So disassembled and broken…

Will they be understanding and “stick it out” for 4 months.

My husband is good to me, but not the most sympathetic, especially when it comes to my BPD. His research has established that ignoring or neglecting my depressive moods is the best way to handle my BPD. I do agree to an extent. The problem comes in when it’s real emotions I’m feeling. Real heartache. Real depression and I need sympathy. If I go off my meds I’ll need even more “attention” and sympathy even when it seems ridiculous to others. If I don’t get it then I risk have neglect and self esteem issues which (knowing me) will lead down a very destructive path.

I don’t want to hurt the people I love… Not again. What if they don’t understand, don’t adjust, don’t see that it’s actually a sacrifice I’m making for the baby??

Will temporary troubles be worth it to them like it is to me if it means my baby’s healthy? I have fears of passing on my mental illness to my child or having it negatively affect her but that’s out of my control for now. Her health isn’t. It’s completely in my control…

Now it’s just to decide what to do…

I really hate that dark side of me, but I’ll make peace with my monster for 4months. I just wish I knew if they will…
More importantly if they will still love me after seeing the monster inside. I know I dont….

The times I wish I just wasn’t….well…me! The days I’m not the driver of my mind.

I do my best to accept myself, and with the right methods sometimes I achieve exactly that…

But then…

there are THOSE days. The days where my mind’s desolate passenger takes over and steers my thoughts of the road of happiness and acceptance straight into a ocean of ominous, pessimism. Waves of depression hitting rocks of memories of mistakes, regrets, and hurt. Sending my emotions on a roller-coaster that starts with rage and ends in self-hatred. It’s on these days that I find myself wishing i could go back in time to moments where i had “episodes” and hurt people i cared about, lost moments of a happy life, and hindered aspects of my future. Go back and just… do it differently. Stop it somehow. Thoughts of hurt and tragedy that I blame myself for… my mentally ill self.

Like the episodes i had that caused me to end up loosing my family. Family that to this day doesn’t understand or forgive me. The hurt and neglect i feel now, i seem to blame myself for. It’s one thing to have another part of yourself take actions you wouldn’t in the ” right state of mind”,but it’s a whole other thing to have that part of you destroy and still be apart of you no matter what you do.

Maybe if i was diagnosed earlier i wouldn’t have ended up in situations where i had my heart ripped apart….

Maybe if I was ruined by life i wouldn’t have BPD.

Maybe I should blame those who caused my hurt and tragedy, but i can’t seem to blame any one but me.

Maybe if i wasn’t mentally ill, i wouldn’t have done the things i’ve done, wouldn’t have been hurt the way i have been, wouldn’t feel so alone like i do, and most of all….just wouldn’t be me….

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