does anyone else ever get that “under a rock” feeling or even the more compressing “I’d rather be dead than me” feeling?? Today I am in between the two.

I am sinking….

under a rock of hurt

pressing me down into the ground

closer and closer to the hell that is my thoughts.

There is a strange, familiar sense of being vanquished in this dark, compressing isolated space. Anger eating at my soul like worms eating at dead flesh. I feel compelled to use rage to through this rock of me.Here under this rock i can only lift with an outburst of rage. Tossing it as someone would with the strength one gets with an adrenaline rush. However, I don’t know who the rock might hit if I do. I can’t seem to see passed this rock of hurt and i would hate for it to crush a loved one like it is crushing me. If only i could a sense an ocean nearby where i could fiercely throw it off with the certainty that no one else will be harmed.

That preference to be dead instead of me is beginning to wash over me. Each wave getting stronger and stronger.

If i wasn’t “me” maybe i wouldn’t be under this rock.

Maybe i would’ve been strong enough to gently lift it and place it down out of anyone’s way

Maybe i could’ve even carried it to a safe place to be demolish so it could never crush me again.

ahhh…wouldn’t that  be something…

wouldn’t it be something, to not be me: To not have the feeling of being under a rock or preferably dead than me…

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