‎I feel… worthless and not good enough. Perhaps my ominous side has always been right : I will never be good enough 

I truly felt that I was good enough for my partner. All he wanted, one of a kind in his eyes… something special…something more than just an option.

That idiotic idealistic vision has officially disintegrated. Burnt down to nothing but ashes of a pathetic girls dream.

He doesn’t actually love me…
His exact words were ” I would’ve married her but you were prettier”…. what a compliment?!

There will be a prettier girl one day and then he will move on to her,’ the better option’.‎ I saw the girl he spoke of today. They have a history and she is much prettier than me already. I guess that means it’s just a matter of time till he noticed I’m not the ‘best option’. We not married yet, so guess it’s not too late for him… great…

I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave. I have no where to go and a baby on the way. My mind is saturated with thoughts/memories of not being good enough. I’m back to constantly wishing ” I was more like her”. Everywhere I look all I see is how much better others are than me.‎

For the first time I feel this relationship was a mistake. Not what I thought it was at all… but it’s too late. Where do I go when he leaves me. He already has his eyes open on other girls, I wrote about it few days ago in a post “should ALL emotions be ignored”. 

Guess I need to start with plans for what to do when the day comes. Go stay with family till I find work is my only living option because I can’t get employed while I’m pregnant. ‎I don’t have friends to turn to… but then what? How am I going to support a child on my own?do I leave my son with him because he financially and emotionally stable? I don’t know if I could live with that… 

My heart is crushed and his reactions to my heartache makes it all worse. He thinks I’m just over sensitive, it’s all in my head, just the BPD…

It’s not!its the realist in me, noticing I’m in the same place I’ve been before… just with a baby this time…

I f**ked up… again… ‎

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