After doing a lot of research I have established that it is best for my baby if I stop my medication for the rest of my pregnancy… only problem is that it’s not best for my relationships.

I want to go off my meds, but then I risk having “episodes” that could harm my relationship with not only my husband but my in laws too. After all how can someone love the real me… So disassembled and broken…

Will they be understanding and “stick it out” for 4 months.

My husband is good to me, but not the most sympathetic, especially when it comes to my BPD. His research has established that ignoring or neglecting my depressive moods is the best way to handle my BPD. I do agree to an extent. The problem comes in when it’s real emotions I’m feeling. Real heartache. Real depression and I need sympathy. If I go off my meds I’ll need even more “attention” and sympathy even when it seems ridiculous to others. If I don’t get it then I risk have neglect and self esteem issues which (knowing me) will lead down a very destructive path.

I don’t want to hurt the people I love… Not again. What if they don’t understand, don’t adjust, don’t see that it’s actually a sacrifice I’m making for the baby??

Will temporary troubles be worth it to them like it is to me if it means my baby’s healthy? I have fears of passing on my mental illness to my child or having it negatively affect her but that’s out of my control for now. Her health isn’t. It’s completely in my control…

Now it’s just to decide what to do…

I really hate that dark side of me, but I’ll make peace with my monster for 4months. I just wish I knew if they will…
More importantly if they will still love me after seeing the monster inside. I know I dont….

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