Just another young mom trying to survive with BPD…and all with a smile on my face

Insanity and love!

According to Albert Einstein the definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I have loved before and the result has always been a combination of turmoil, heartache and self-destruction. Yet despite loving before, here I am, loving someone again with my whole heart and hoping for a different result. Expecting the result of eternal love,a life long partnership, and unconditional love.

Therefore in conclusion loving someone must be some kind of manifestation of Insanity. Safe to say, I am insanely in love with Vernon Wallis!

Step-By-Step Guide To Getting Over Your First Love

My little life saver

To some a dog is just a dog, but to me my Carla Jane is one of my reasons to live.

She continuously brings light into my dark days. She has been my companion through lonely times. That irreplaceable unconditional love from her brought healing to my broken heart. Many times she gave me a reason to live when I almost gave up. She is my life saver!

When I was first diagnosed it took a while for me to adjust and start new. Acceptance of the lose of loved ones was one of the hardest parts. I was hospitalized under ‘suicide watch’ where I met a lady who had been diagnosed for 7years with bipolar. She suggested that when I get out I consider a pet. With BPD many say it is difficult to keep bonds with anything and I had struggled with relationships before, but I gave it a shot.

I took in a puppy that had been rescued and we connected instantly. There were days when she kept me going by simply being there and reminding me that she needed me. I was reluctant to be on medication and she was very sick when I got her. Seeing her be brave and take her meds to get better gave me motivation to take mine too. In the mornings I’d show her I’m taking my meds, and then she would lay still for her injections.

I can’t explain how much she means to me! In a way she helped me build my confidence when it came to keeping relationships, she showed me I could do it. I could be loved!

When it came to social issues, she was my support and got my to where I am now. I take her everywhere with me and trained her well. I started to go out and do things again, feeling safe with her by my side. As silly as it seems having her to talk to has turned out to be the best way to clear my head. Sometimes I’m sure she understands. The personality shines through her and brings a smile to my face when I need it most.

I love my Carla Jane, she is a border collie cross German Shepard. A healthy and fit life long friend 🙂

*this post is in honor of national dog day*

Find the Marvel of an Ordinary Life

A Word, Please. . .

“Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.”

                          – William Martin, The Parent’s Tao Te Ching

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Most people tell you what you want or need to hear. Very few tell you the truth. It’s not often that there are no hidden intentions behind someone’s words. So when you are a skeptic like me, words that seem “too good to be true” have very little meaning.

I have tried to explain this to my partner and friends many times. Actions and reactions show me more than just words. I know it is not fair on honest people in my life to doubt their words, but can you blame me?

With the issues i wrote in my post “being ‘positive’ made me a fool”. I addressed the matter with my partner and the next day he had a lot to say about it. Promises that i was all he wanted, he wouldn’t leave me, and he is in this for all the right reasons. I can’t tell if it was sincere or just a means to make me feel “better”. i requested actions to follow his words. I asked him to show me that he means what he says and that i am all he wants. Prove to me that when he comments about other girls and says how he wants them is not really how he feels and to obviously stop doing it.

I am not sure what actions will prove his words are true, but i sure hope they are more than just words this time….

under a rock or dead

does anyone else ever get that “under a rock” feeling or even the more compressing “I’d rather be dead than me” feeling?? Today I am in between the two.

I am sinking….

under a rock of hurt

pressing me down into the ground

closer and closer to the hell that is my thoughts.

There is a strange, familiar sense of being vanquished in this dark, compressing isolated space. Anger eating at my soul like worms eating at dead flesh. I feel compelled to use rage to through this rock of me.Here under this rock i can only lift with an outburst of rage. Tossing it as someone would with the strength one gets with an adrenaline rush. However, I don’t know who the rock might hit if I do. I can’t seem to see passed this rock of hurt and i would hate for it to crush a loved one like it is crushing me. If only i could a sense an ocean nearby where i could fiercely throw it off with the certainty that no one else will be harmed.

That preference to be dead instead of me is beginning to wash over me. Each wave getting stronger and stronger.

If i wasn’t “me” maybe i wouldn’t be under this rock.

Maybe i would’ve been strong enough to gently lift it and place it down out of anyone’s way

Maybe i could’ve even carried it to a safe place to be demolish so it could never crush me again.

ahhh…wouldn’t that  be something…

wouldn’t it be something, to not be me: To not have the feeling of being under a rock or preferably dead than me…

Being ‘positive’ made me a fool

‎I feel… worthless and not good enough. Perhaps my ominous side has always been right : I will never be good enough 

I truly felt that I was good enough for my partner. All he wanted, one of a kind in his eyes… something special…something more than just an option.

That idiotic idealistic vision has officially disintegrated. Burnt down to nothing but ashes of a pathetic girls dream.

He doesn’t actually love me…
His exact words were ” I would’ve married her but you were prettier”…. what a compliment?!

There will be a prettier girl one day and then he will move on to her,’ the better option’.‎ I saw the girl he spoke of today. They have a history and she is much prettier than me already. I guess that means it’s just a matter of time till he noticed I’m not the ‘best option’. We not married yet, so guess it’s not too late for him… great…

I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave. I have no where to go and a baby on the way. My mind is saturated with thoughts/memories of not being good enough. I’m back to constantly wishing ” I was more like her”. Everywhere I look all I see is how much better others are than me.‎

For the first time I feel this relationship was a mistake. Not what I thought it was at all… but it’s too late. Where do I go when he leaves me. He already has his eyes open on other girls, I wrote about it few days ago in a post “should ALL emotions be ignored”. 

Guess I need to start with plans for what to do when the day comes. Go stay with family till I find work is my only living option because I can’t get employed while I’m pregnant. ‎I don’t have friends to turn to… but then what? How am I going to support a child on my own?do I leave my son with him because he financially and emotionally stable? I don’t know if I could live with that… 

My heart is crushed and his reactions to my heartache makes it all worse. He thinks I’m just over sensitive, it’s all in my head, just the BPD…

It’s not!its the realist in me, noticing I’m in the same place I’ve been before… just with a baby this time…

I f**ked up… again… ‎

Not everything can be controlled

I am perfectly aware that very little in the universe is actually in my control, but that doesn’t take away the anxiety that comes when things don’t go as expected. Naturally, with my BPD I don’t do particularly well with sudden change when its not in my control.

I have my numerous “coping mechanisms” that help me adapt to change and i have been working on more to assist me for when the baby is here. Lets be honest they are as unpredictable is it comes and i have therefore done my best to avoid expectations. That’s not the problem though or the cause of my current anxiety. Other people’s schedule changes is the cause…

My partner and i are currently living with his parents. A very convenient situation for all parties involved. Everyone works except for me. I have become accustomed to the routine of others, however, lately everyone seems to have sudden unpredictable changes to their routines. This is what’s causing me to have problems with anxiety.For example, I expect my mother-in-law to be home at 3pm every day, but lately she has been working on a very inconsistent time schedule. Another example is that my partner just started a new job and a new job routine, coming home different times daily.

There is no way i can control other people’s schedules and I’m not exactly sure why it’s causing me so much anxiety lately. I get thoughts of them being in trouble somehow and that’s why they late or i start feeling lonely and just….anxious! I need to sit and try to find the root of my anxiety, find a way to control it, because that i can control. Open to suggestions???

Hi! I’m her monster. Nice to meet you.

Absolute truth…

Befriending the Monsters

Dear beloved one, 

You know how people introduce you to their family or their best friend when you’ve reached a significant place in their heart? Well, there is a place in my heart and soul protected by layers of walls that keep most people out. Sometimes I find someone worthy enough to let them in. No, its not the same as introducing you to a beautiful family or friends or relatives, it’s a hell of a different ride because I let you meet my monster. 

I welcome you into my darkness and want to terribly show you what it looks like because I feel like you’re the candle that can light up the whole place. I forget that by lighting that place, you are also burning yourself down. Perhaps in the first instance you would feel honored that I open up to you, out of all people, that I trust…

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